Fear not, I have returned.

Hello, dear readers! Miss me? I’m sure you all did (all three of you) as much as I missed you. I had good reason though - I was vacationing in the Southern Hemisphere and welcoming my new niece, Amelia, into the world (cutest baby EVER).

I’m still in the midst of traveling back to Canada, so I won’t go into all the details of my three weeks away just now. Still a tad emotional about the goodbyes and really, enough people in airports have seen me sobbing today. In brief though, it was very good and far too short a visit.

There isn’t really much for me to rant about in this post - except maybe to say that the world is too big and planes aren’t fast enough (or cheap enough) for me to be a jet setter who jumps from one hemisphere to the other with the regularity I would want.

All I wanted to say, as much to remind myself as to inform you, is that I got to hold my dear, sweet Amelia one more time before I stepped through security at the Melbourne airport. She was missing her usual feeding time but there were no complaining cries from her. Instead she smiled up at me and completely and utterly broke my heart. I never want to forget the look on her face or the smell of her sweet little baby head. I know I’ll see her again (hopefully sooner, rather than later) but she’s already changed so much in the three weeks she’s been in the world. It hurts to know that I’ll be missing out on watching her getting bigger and more aware and interactive.

Well, so much for no more crying in airports. I may as well just flip through all the photo’s I took and really set myself off.

* Written prior to posting at SFO, gate 79. (If any of you were recently frightened by an hysterical woman at the San Francisco airport, my apologies.)

P.S. I called the Boy once I was at the airport and my cell phone would finally work again. He gave me some rather surprising news. So surprising in fact, my reaction probably seemed a little flat in response (but I’d just been squished up in the window seat on 13 hour flight - it was taking me awhile to unwind myself). That’s all I’m going to say for now - gotta leave you wanting more ;)

Grocery Store Etiquette 101

The first 'rule' is actually standard to anywhere you may go - do not stop in doorways*. When you enter a store or other public establishment, providing there is no one barring your way, KEEP MOVING. Don't choose that spot to stop and check your list, or rifle through your bag, or scratch your ass. If you need to do any of those things, move to the side where you will not impede me or other people who actually have a well laid out plan and are ready to go.

The second rule - don't leave your cart in such a position that it blocks off mine or anyone's access to some common item, like milk, eggs or condoms. I will move your cart out of my way, and I encourage others to do the same. Why should some self-centered schmuck come between me and my shopping?

The third rule is along the lines of the second - don't stop with your cart in the middle of an aisle. Pick a side. This is especially annoying at the ends of aisles. Wake up, jerk - other people want to peruse the vast variety of cereals. You are not special and should not get in between me and my Wheaties. Oh, and if you're blocking the aisle that holds my much needed anti-PMS meds or feminine hygiene products - look out. Once a month I will have no problem ripping off your right arm and beating you with it, if you are in my way.

Fourth rule - don't act like you don't see me at the deli counter when the server asks who's next. I KNOW you see me. And I know you know I know you see me. You are not so busy and important that you need your sliced, no-fat turkey breast before I get mine. I have no problem telling you and everyone around you that I was there first. And then you will be shamed because you are a line jumper.

The fifth rule is one of the most important. Checkout lines only move as fast as the checkout chick/guy can go. So, when you rock up behind me, don't expect things to suddenly go into hyper drive. When the time is right, I will pick up one of those handy-dandy dividers and place it behind my items so that you can start unloading your cart or basket. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to touch my things. Do not, as one lady did, move a few of my canned goods and place them on top of my carton of EGGS. Do not shove all of my items forward, thus squishing my bread between all of my groceries and the cash register. Such behaviour is not acceptable and I will give you the mother of all eyebrow raises. I will also move things back to their original position and if your carton of eggs gets in my way - well, sacrifices will have to be made, won't they?

So ends our first lesson in how to behave like a normal person out in public. Perhaps next time we'll discuss cell phone usage. God, are there even enough bytes in the world to open that topic in a blog?

*This actually applies to escalators as well. What is UP with you people and your incessant NEED to stop moving at the top or bottom of an escalator? I'm going to start kicking you.

Bitchin' 'bout bikers

No, not about the large men on 'hogs'....this is about idiots and their push-bikes. Two idiots in particular.

I was downtown, on my way home, waiting for the lights to change at an intersection on the main drag. It had been raining, so the roads were probably a little slick. Anyhoo, the traffic was moving through the green light, other cars on the cross street were waiting at the red. Now, I understand that if you're at an intersection you can turn right on red - if the way is clear. You should, however, come to a stop first because you know what? Red means STOP.

So, pretty much everyone was obeying the law and just chillin', waiting for our turn to proceed. Except for one girl. On a bike. She came pedaling like mad up the cross street, didn't even slow down, let alone stop at the red, and turned right into the bike lane (which is more toward the middle of the street because of the bus stops along the block). Guess she didn't see the GIANT BUS coming through the intersection that she rode out in FRONT of. The bus driver slammed on the breaks and hit the horn, coming within INCHES of her back wheel. Blithe little half-wit that she clearly is, she just kept on truckin'.

I don't like you, Lady-On-Bike. You probably very nearly gave the bus driver a heart attack and you give decent, law-abiding, safety conscious bike riders a bad name. I wish the bus had hit you. Not enough to cause grievous bodily injury - just enough to scare the be-jesus out of you and induce pants-wetting. Maybe a near death experience and humiliation would make you wake the hell up.

The second idiot was from earlier in my day and he and I have crossed paths before. In the morning when I'm heading to the bus stop, I cross the street at a pedestrian controlled light. I push the button, light goes red, vehicles (four and two wheeled alike) stop. This is how it usually works. The exception to this rule is the total knob who rides his bike to work in the mornings. This guy is apparently above the law (wait, is that you, Steven Seagal?) because he just rides right through that red. Doesn't even LOOK UP!!! Twice he's done this while I've been crossing the road. One time I was about two feet from his bike. Still didn't look up.

Now, I know that this road has an incline at that point, and I know it's a pain in the ass to get yourself moving when you're on a bike on a hill. That still doesn't give you the right to ignore traffic laws! A warning to you, Middle-Aged Twat on Bike - the next time you go through the red when I'm walking across the street I will either a) swing at you with my bag or b) yell so loudly as you pass me that you will take fright, veer to the right, hit the curb and go ass over tea kettle onto the grass. And then I will laugh at you.

The post in which I rant.....

Rant the First

A week or so ago a friend and I were leaving the Bay, and heading towards an escalator that would lead us down to street level. When we approached the escalator, there were two small boys, one of about 2 and the other around 4. They were attempting to get on to the escalator - by themselves. The four year old was able to negotiate the moving stairs but the two year old struggled a bit but then managed to just sit down to ride the escalator. My friend and I were horrified. We wondered aloud where the parents were, until we got to the top of the escalator and all was revealed. Oh, there they were. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ESCALATOR, LOOKING UP AT THEIR CHILDREN.

We stood behind the boys as we travelled downwards, and upon reaching the bottom one would have thought that Mum or Dad would have come forward to rescue the youngest. But no. He reached the bottom of the escalator, still sitting and then struggled to stand up, leading my friend to exclaim loudly 'Watch your fingers!' Fortunately, the four year old clearly had a brain and assisted his brother. Obviously, their parents were far too busy with the other two children they had, plus the large stroller and the complexity of the choice between using regular double doors or a revolving door.

POINT: If you are a slack-jawed, mouth breathing, troglodyte - DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. You don't deserve kids and kids certainly have done nothing to deserve parents like you.

Rant the Second

Today I was at a pedestrian controlled crosswalk at a T intersection near my street. I pushed the button and waited for the light to change. Flashing green to solid green. Cars go through. Fine. Solid Green to Yellow. Another couple of cars go through. Idiots but, okay. Yellow to RED. I start walking and an SUV goes through in front of me. If I weren't loaded down with a bag of cat food and a giant bag of litter, I would have given the driver a clear view of both of my middle fingers and quite possibly leapt on to the back bumper, climbed over the car and punched him in the head.

POINT: The next person to run a red at that intersection when I'm crossing will most likely hit me because I WILL JUMP IN FRONT OF YOUR VEHICLE AND THEN SUE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOUR SORRY SUV DRIVING, YUPPIE ASS IS WORTH. Pay attention to lights, asshole. And that goes for cyclists too. Just because you're on two wheels does NOT make you exempt from traffic laws. And don't come crying when the SUV driving yuppie hits you either, because no one will care.

Rant the Third

Gordon Campbell, the Provincial government of BC and upper management of BC Ambulance Service has been screwing the paramedics of BC up the ass for months now. Why? Because these hard working men and women want decent working conditions (read: rat-free stations; an actual station rather than an HOTEL ROOM etc), sufficient staff for all cars so that they are able to respond in a timely manner without been overly tired and stressed, and a wage that is in keeping with the work they do. How many of us would be willing to respond to calls for help from the lower East side of Vancouver, regardless of the wage we were being paid? Not many. The only interest the City of Vancouver or the BC government has in the lower East side at the present time is making sure that it's hidden in time for the 2010 Olympics. And yet, paramedics in downtown Vancouver are there on a daily and nightly basis, risking their health to help the downtrodden. Cops and Firefighters are down there too, but they're getting paid a much better rate. I guess that's because they're both an Emergency Service, which according to Gordon Campbell and his cronies, BC Ambulance Paramedics are NOT. Does this sound right to you, dear reader?

POINT: As the wife of a paramedic, I see first hand how hard my husband and his fellow paramedics work. I see the stress they deal with, trying to help people on what could be the worst day of that patients life. Despite what the government is trying to tell the people of BC, paramedics are not on strike just for the money. They're fighting for equality. They're fighting for the jobs they love and for the people of this province. BC paramedics have been accused of not caring about the citizens of BC. That is such bullshit. They ARE citizens of BC and if they didn't care, paramedic is probably not the career choice they would make. While everyone is freaking out about H1N1, who do you think is showing up at the doors of people who might have it? Not Gordon Campbell, that's for sure. The only person Gordon Campbell cares about is Gordon Campbell (and maybe his bartender - cheers, Premier!).

I'm siding with the paramedics, and not just because I'm married to one. God forbid myself, my family or any of my friends should ever need to call for an ambulance but if they do, I'm so grateful that that essential EMERGENCY service is there. We should all be fighting for the rights of a service that this province NEEDS. As for Mr. Campbell (and any idiot who voted for him), here's hoping none of you need an ambulance either - god knows, none of you deserve the help.

Rant to Self

I'm not exactly thrilled with the current state of my figure. It's taking on a roundness that bothers me. And a lot of my clothes aren't fitting me anymore. Of course I take some of the blame for this but mostly I blame carbs and that bitch, Miss Vickie.

A while back I participated in a couple of fitness boot camps and results were seen. Unfortunately, due to lack of funds I wasn't able to continue. I could have just continued on my own, having learned the basics but it's just not as easy if you don't have somebody yelling at you.

This truly stupid thing is that the part I really enjoyed - the running - doesn't really require a trainer, or special equipment beyond the shoes and sports bra I already have, and so I could be doing it for free at any time. I could have been running all this time and not be in the state I'm in now. That part I blame on procrastination.

So, I decided that I need to remedy my situation. I still remember all the tips on pacing that the trainers at the boot camp gave us, and I've downloaded some free podcasts (found here, if you're interested) designed specifically for starting from scratch. There are 9 weeks of running podcasts on my ipod just waiting to be played. I figure if I use those to train my brain, at the end of it I'll be in a good position to roughly measure my distance travelled by time and then I can make myself some motivating playlists to keep me interested.

I doubt that I'll blog about this particular pursuit with any great regularity, but I promise I will give periodic updates as to how I'm going. Or if it all comes to a crashing halt. I have good feelings about this though, because I already know that I enjoy the solitary freedom of running and of being lost in my own thoughts. Plus, I have the short term goal of being in better shape by the end of November for my trip to Australia. The long term goal is to drop weight and improve my fitness levels - two things which can only help in the pursuit of pregnancy as well.

Who knows? Maybe next year will be the year I finally sign up for the TC 10K. Wish me luck!

(Not So) Funny People - SPOILER ALERT

Oh. My. God. There is only one word for this movie and that word is 'excruciating'. I'm not even sure where to begin, so I guess I'll just fling myself off the cliff and have at 'er.

I love Adam Sandler but after two and a half hours of his character, George Simmons, I started to dislike him intensely. Why, Adam, why?? I hope Mr. Sandler was meant to play this character as someone that would be despised despite his possibly life-threatening illness, because on that level he was a great success. Unfortunately, that was a large part of what made this film so bad - sure, he was going through something awful but he had almost no redeeming qualities and that really just made you hope his 'experimental drugs from Canada' wouldn't do the trick.

Leslie Mann's character - Laura - wasn't much better. Maybe it was the awkward way the relationship between Laura and George played out. Maybe it's just that I'm not a huge Leslie Mann fan. The first scene featuring Laura and George together was so uncomfortable, which may have been the intent, but it was the acting that didn't have me convinced.

Aubrey Plaza's character, Daisy, was so weirdly bland. I didn't buy this performance at all either. I think Ms. Plaza would probably be great in something along the lines of 'Ghostworld', but I could have done without her in 'Funny People'. She was so not funny.

The final thing that really irritated me (before I get on to what I actually enjoyed - yes, there were one or two bright spots) was that this movie was so wretchedly LONG. There was absolutely no need for the movie to run for two hours and twenty six minutes. At least an hours worth of what ended up on screen should have been on the cutting room floor.

I was surprised to see Paul Reiser make an appearance, but as my husband pointed out, the scene of George at a table with all of his older comedian buddies did make sense. What didn't make sense was the following scene at the restaurant - a party to celebrate George's bill of good health. What the fuck was Eminem doing in this or any other movie? Marshall, sweetie, you had 8 Mile. That was enough. As for the rest of the cameo's in this particular scene (and the one at George's house), I can only assume that Mr. Apatow was unable to say no to anyone who approached him and said 'Hey, Judd! I'm funny! Put me in your next movie!' Ugh. As a general rule, I'm not a big fan of cameo appearances. When done right, they have their place but sadly this was not a film of things done right.

As I said earlier though, I did like some things and they were:

Seth Rogen's character, Ira Wright, was a nice guy and it was believable that he would stick by George and try to help him. Having said that though, there was a point where I did find him a little too nice and he started to get a little sickly sweet. Poor Seth had to carry the bulk of this movie though, so I'll cut him a little slack.

The scenes between Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill and Jason Schwartzman were some of the best. I would have liked to have seen a lot more of these three together. Jonah Hill is hilarious just standing still and Jason Schwartzman is very rarely out of form.

Eric Bana! I thought he was hilarious (but I will admit that I am a little biased when it comes to all things Australian). I don't think I've heard him bust out his Aussie accent since the sketch comedy show 'Full Frontal'. He doesn't do nearly enough comedy these days.

I will say this - 'Funny People' contains the best explanation ever for how a game of Aussie Rules footy is played. That's the most glowing recommendation I can give for this movie and the scene lasted only mere moments.

In the end, all I can do is suggest that you go with the next movie pick on your list. If you must see this, wait until it comes out on video. Even then, make sure you have a 1/2 off coupon, or steal it. Trust me, even if you get if for free, you'll want a refund.

Ramblin' Rose

This is my Seinfeld post - it's a post about nothing.

For whatever reason, the firing of synapses in my brain led me to look up 'Tom Cruise' and 'Scientology' on YouTube today. Scary shit. Or maybe not scary - maybe just sad. I started to wonder if perhaps the bigwigs over at Scientology, Inc. weren't a little bit miffed that they'd hunted down Tom in their search for celebrities to join the cult religion. The man is a loon. I watched a ten minute rant of Tom's in which he discussed Scientology and that confirmed my thoughts that he's a fully fledged nutbar. Then I watched an interview of Matt Lauer with Tom and that sealed the deal. You could tell by the look on Matt's face that he knew he was going to get nowhere with the crazy person sitting across from him, but bless his little heart, he gave it his all.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think people are entitled to worship the god of their choice and believe in whatever gets them through the night - as long as they're not hurting anyone in the process. Seriously though - Scientology? They're just as nutty as the next religion, although I don't recall ever hearing about Jesus asking anyone to hold metal rods while being 'audited'.

In other news, I think my husband and at least one of my friends thinks it's odd that I haven't left the apartment in over a week. Is that weird? Maybe. It's a trend I would like to continue though. I'm seeing the appeal in being a hermit. If only I could think of a way to immediately start replacing my current salary with money made while sitting on my ass on my couch. If I never had to step foot in an office again, I'd be okay with that. Let me know if you have any brilliant ideas that I can steal and then profit from.

See this picture off to the left? I took that. At a world renowned garden while my parents were visiting. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain. I'm generally not a huge fan of roses but I like this one. I like the lighting and I love the colour of it. These are the things that are getting me through my days at the moment.

I hope it brings a little extra happiness to your day too.

*Meh*

This is exactly what I've been feeling like:

He looks a little more active than I've been though. It's been a strange few days (at least in my head) and I've been in hiding for one reason or another. I'm slowly getting over myself and will be back to my old self in a few days, I'm sure. In the meantime, check out what I've been doing during my self-imposed banishment at: Pro-Craft-Inate.

Try this....you'll like it

Walk home while listening to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.  It'll make you feel like one cool cat and you'll find yourself busting into a saunter and possibly some impromptu dance moves.  Sure, your fellow pedestrians will cross the street to avoid you but in your own head, you'll be awesome.

Not a rant, just a crazy idea....

I'm going to try watching less t.v. and using the internet less for 2 weeks.  You know, before I turn into a fluffy, white, beer drinking cat.  No, I'm not turning hippy or becoming one of those pretentious twats who snottily declares 'We don't watch television in our house'  (what, are you Amish?).  

Lately, I've noticed that my creative output and even my desire for creative output has dwindled almost into non existence.  That's just sad, because as my good friend A will attest - I am an 'accomplished artist'.  (Inside joke - maybe I'll tell you over a beer sometime).

Anyway, I'm thinking I'll start small and try for 2 weeks.  That surely won't kill me - or cause me to kill my husband.  My game plan is to limit my t.v. to no more than an hour a day - which probably still sounds like excessive watching to some but seriously - the usual 3 hour Sunday cartoon night will be painful to give up (yes, I'm an adult and I watch cartoons - shut up.)

In addition, I'm going to limit my internet use to no more than an hour a day (barring what I need to use it for at work - I'm just talking about home use).  I've been sucked into following ridiculousness on Twitter (no, I will not give you a link - resist!) recently and that definitely has to stop.  What a time suck invention that is!  Instead I'll be sticking to the handful of blogs I read regularly and things like flickr.com (it's like having a never ending inspiration wall!).

Since I've basically stolen the spare/guest room from the Boy, I figure I should probably put it to good use and have something to show for it (Look, honey!  Art!  You know, for our walls....)  I'd also like to feel like I'm being productive because honestly, lately I feel like all I've been doing is waiting.  Waiting for what is another story....oooh, maybe I should use some of my precious internet time for updating my blog!  What a concept.  

So I'm putting this out there so that I'll feel some sense of responsibility to actually go through with it.  And, I'll also try to post proof of what I've been doing with all this extra 'unplugged' time.  Stay tuned, avid reader!  Surprises could be just around the corner.....

Parents, take note...

I came across an online video the other day that really pissed me off. Unfortunately, it was posted by a friend of mine. In the video her youngest daughter is bopping her head away to some tunes on her headphones and singing along. Cute, right? Yeah, I thought so too until I realized she was singing along to Britney Spears' 'Womanizer'. WTF? She's five!!!

I realize that she doesn't understand the lyrics but that doesn't make it less infuriating that a mother would willing give her small child a cd that is clearly far above her maturity level. What's wrong with letting your kids listen to the likes of Raffi and the Wiggles? Parents are supposed to guide their children and help them grow and learn at a pace that is suitable to their age. The point is to let them build up skills and knowledge so that when they are at an age to (hopefully not) listen to the likes of Ms. Spears or others like her, they'll have an understanding of what it is they're listening to (and hopefully be offended and disturbed enough to stop listening).

Kids need the chance to be kids. There's plenty of time to be an adult and all the complicated mess that comes with it. For all of those parents out there that this applies to, please just let your kids be innocent and naive and sweet. It's over way too fast as it is.