Saturday, October 17, 2009

Grocery Store Etiquette 101

The first 'rule' is actually standard to anywhere you may go - do not stop in doorways*. When you enter a store or other public establishment, providing there is no one barring your way, KEEP MOVING. Don't choose that spot to stop and check your list, or rifle through your bag, or scratch your ass. If you need to do any of those things, move to the side where you will not impede me or other people who actually have a well laid out plan and are ready to go.

The second rule - don't leave your cart in such a position that it blocks off mine or anyone's access to some common item, like milk, eggs or condoms. I will move your cart out of my way, and I encourage others to do the same. Why should some self-centered schmuck come between me and my shopping?

The third rule is along the lines of the second - don't stop with your cart in the middle of an aisle. Pick a side. This is especially annoying at the ends of aisles. Wake up, jerk - other people want to peruse the vast variety of cereals. You are not special and should not get in between me and my Wheaties. Oh, and if you're blocking the aisle that holds my much needed anti-PMS meds or feminine hygiene products - look out. Once a month I will have no problem ripping off your right arm and beating you with it, if you are in my way.

Fourth rule - don't act like you don't see me at the deli counter when the server asks who's next. I KNOW you see me. And I know you know I know you see me. You are not so busy and important that you need your sliced, no-fat turkey breast before I get mine. I have no problem telling you and everyone around you that I was there first. And then you will be shamed because you are a line jumper.

The fifth rule is one of the most important. Checkout lines only move as fast as the checkout chick/guy can go. So, when you rock up behind me, don't expect things to suddenly go into hyper drive. When the time is right, I will pick up one of those handy-dandy dividers and place it behind my items so that you can start unloading your cart or basket. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to touch my things. Do not, as one lady did, move a few of my canned goods and place them on top of my carton of EGGS. Do not shove all of my items forward, thus squishing my bread between all of my groceries and the cash register. Such behaviour is not acceptable and I will give you the mother of all eyebrow raises. I will also move things back to their original position and if your carton of eggs gets in my way - well, sacrifices will have to be made, won't they?

So ends our first lesson in how to behave like a normal person out in public. Perhaps next time we'll discuss cell phone usage. God, are there even enough bytes in the world to open that topic in a blog?

*This actually applies to escalators as well. What is UP with you people and your incessant NEED to stop moving at the top or bottom of an escalator? I'm going to start kicking you.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Bitchin' 'bout bikers

No, not about the large men on 'hogs'....this is about idiots and their push-bikes. Two idiots in particular.

I was downtown, on my way home, waiting for the lights to change at an intersection on the main drag. It had been raining, so the roads were probably a little slick. Anyhoo, the traffic was moving through the green light, other cars on the cross street were waiting at the red. Now, I understand that if you're at an intersection you can turn right on red - if the way is clear. You should, however, come to a stop first because you know what? Red means STOP.

So, pretty much everyone was obeying the law and just chillin', waiting for our turn to proceed. Except for one girl. On a bike. She came pedaling like mad up the cross street, didn't even slow down, let alone stop at the red, and turned right into the bike lane (which is more toward the middle of the street because of the bus stops along the block). Guess she didn't see the GIANT BUS coming through the intersection that she rode out in FRONT of. The bus driver slammed on the breaks and hit the horn, coming within INCHES of her back wheel. Blithe little half-wit that she clearly is, she just kept on truckin'.

I don't like you, Lady-On-Bike. You probably very nearly gave the bus driver a heart attack and you give decent, law-abiding, safety conscious bike riders a bad name. I wish the bus had hit you. Not enough to cause grievous bodily injury - just enough to scare the be-jesus out of you and induce pants-wetting. Maybe a near death experience and humiliation would make you wake the hell up.

The second idiot was from earlier in my day and he and I have crossed paths before. In the morning when I'm heading to the bus stop, I cross the street at a pedestrian controlled light. I push the button, light goes red, vehicles (four and two wheeled alike) stop. This is how it usually works. The exception to this rule is the total knob who rides his bike to work in the mornings. This guy is apparently above the law (wait, is that you, Steven Seagal?) because he just rides right through that red. Doesn't even LOOK UP!!! Twice he's done this while I've been crossing the road. One time I was about two feet from his bike. Still didn't look up.

Now, I know that this road has an incline at that point, and I know it's a pain in the ass to get yourself moving when you're on a bike on a hill. That still doesn't give you the right to ignore traffic laws! A warning to you, Middle-Aged Twat on Bike - the next time you go through the red when I'm walking across the street I will either a) swing at you with my bag or b) yell so loudly as you pass me that you will take fright, veer to the right, hit the curb and go ass over tea kettle onto the grass. And then I will laugh at you.