Saturday, October 17, 2009

Grocery Store Etiquette 101

The first 'rule' is actually standard to anywhere you may go - do not stop in doorways*. When you enter a store or other public establishment, providing there is no one barring your way, KEEP MOVING. Don't choose that spot to stop and check your list, or rifle through your bag, or scratch your ass. If you need to do any of those things, move to the side where you will not impede me or other people who actually have a well laid out plan and are ready to go.

The second rule - don't leave your cart in such a position that it blocks off mine or anyone's access to some common item, like milk, eggs or condoms. I will move your cart out of my way, and I encourage others to do the same. Why should some self-centered schmuck come between me and my shopping?

The third rule is along the lines of the second - don't stop with your cart in the middle of an aisle. Pick a side. This is especially annoying at the ends of aisles. Wake up, jerk - other people want to peruse the vast variety of cereals. You are not special and should not get in between me and my Wheaties. Oh, and if you're blocking the aisle that holds my much needed anti-PMS meds or feminine hygiene products - look out. Once a month I will have no problem ripping off your right arm and beating you with it, if you are in my way.

Fourth rule - don't act like you don't see me at the deli counter when the server asks who's next. I KNOW you see me. And I know you know I know you see me. You are not so busy and important that you need your sliced, no-fat turkey breast before I get mine. I have no problem telling you and everyone around you that I was there first. And then you will be shamed because you are a line jumper.

The fifth rule is one of the most important. Checkout lines only move as fast as the checkout chick/guy can go. So, when you rock up behind me, don't expect things to suddenly go into hyper drive. When the time is right, I will pick up one of those handy-dandy dividers and place it behind my items so that you can start unloading your cart or basket. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to touch my things. Do not, as one lady did, move a few of my canned goods and place them on top of my carton of EGGS. Do not shove all of my items forward, thus squishing my bread between all of my groceries and the cash register. Such behaviour is not acceptable and I will give you the mother of all eyebrow raises. I will also move things back to their original position and if your carton of eggs gets in my way - well, sacrifices will have to be made, won't they?

So ends our first lesson in how to behave like a normal person out in public. Perhaps next time we'll discuss cell phone usage. God, are there even enough bytes in the world to open that topic in a blog?

*This actually applies to escalators as well. What is UP with you people and your incessant NEED to stop moving at the top or bottom of an escalator? I'm going to start kicking you.


Anonymous said...

Love it! When are you going to get to the idiots meandering down the sidewalk three and four abreast? Or did I miss that one?

Question: What's up with the little handicapped icon beside the word verification box? I've never seen that before. I had to giggle when I saw it. I even went so far as to click on it, but alas, nothing occurred.

Anonymous said...

This had me laughing aloud! It's hilarious and so true. Keep on rantin'.

Doctor FTSE said...

Jamie . . the answer .. . It's for visually impaired bloggers who can't see the wiggleword too well. After a few failed attempts, clicking the handicapped link gives you an auditory clue.

Best wishes. And I agree with your comment. Should be more blogs like this and fewer about scrapbooking.
I rant about artificial intelligence and the Expense Accounts of UK Members of Parliament.

Toady's wigglyword is "tratines"