Today started off happily enough. Then, about half way through my lemon ginger tea, I just started to cry. Not a little cry, but a whole body, sobbing, eye-reddening cry. I didn't understand it at first. When the crying didn't seem to want to end, I left my body to it and curled up in my brain to try and figure it out. As it turns out, there was a whole host of reasons.
The first, and most obvious reason, was the fact that it is December. If you've been reading my blog for awhile, or you've spent the five minutes it takes to get through my archives, then you'll know that the holidays make me feel like this. My tears were a little excessive for that to be the only reason, so I dug a little deeper.
'Lo and behold, infertility reared its ugly head again. I had thought that making it through my EDD (estimated due date) for Ball of Cells #1 in October meant that I could tuck that little piece of sadness away for awhile. Turns out I was wrong because you know what? If life were fair, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this particular blog entry. I'd be writing something much happier about baby's first Christmas and about what The Boy and I had planned for our first holiday season as a family of three. I have to accept the fact that this isn't the year we'll hang a 'Baby's First Christmas' ornament on our tree and this isn't the year that I'll make a little stocking for our son or daughter. There won't be any tiny Christmas outfits bought and there won't be any pictures with Santa to share with the grandparents.
Instead of all that, I'll be spending my holidays trying to care. I'll be plastering a phony smile on my face and acting like it's just so freaking wonderful that it's Christmas. I'll be pouring all of the energy I have into trying to be happy for the sake of The Boy because I don't want to ruin his Christmas.
To be honest, I'd like to fast forward to January (well, to February if I'm being really honest, but that's a whole different story). In truth, I don't want to have to attend any family dinners because I don't want to run the risk of any talk of babies. I don't really want any gifts because there's only one thing that I desperately want and it's not going to come wrapped up in a box under the tree.
As an atheist, the supposed 'true meaning' of Christmas doesn't mean much to me. That leaves me with gathering with friends and family, eating, drinking and being merry. I like all of those things but I'd rather spread that all out throughout the year. The pressure at this time of year to BE HAPPY irritates me. Maybe that's just because I have a contrary nature and being told to do or be something only makes me want to do the opposite. Who knows?
At any rate, today 'I has a sad'. Figuring out why didn't make me feel any better. Writing it down made me feel a smidge less like sleeping for a month. Getting a response from someone who understands in my online buddy group helped even more. If you're like me and you're missing a baby that should be in your arms, please know that you're not alone. If you're struggling to start your family and it's just not going the way that it should, you're not alone. If you're struggling to add to your family, you're not alone. If you're wishing that December was just another ordinary month, you're not alone.
I'm grateful for all of my 'sisters' who are struggling along with me and for the strength they give me to keep hoping and trying.