Sunday, August 22, 2010

Resistance is futile...

Dear Blog,

I have been ignoring you. Possibly avoiding you. I am The Happy Ranter, and yet, while I still find plenty to rant about in any given day, there is only one topic that I really want to rant about right now and I was afraid you might start to find me boring.

The truth is, Blog, infertility is kicking my ass. It's making me sad. It's making me angry. While more than just that is going on in my life, I still feel as though I'm living in blocks of time - the time leading up to ovulation followed by the time leading up to testing. Everything else is just what happens during either.

The Boy thinks I'm being very negative. He thinks I'm bitter. I understand why it seems that way to him, and probably others. In all honesty, I am very bitter - it's not right that this should be so hard, not just for me, but for so many others as well. It's not fair. As for being negative, that comes in waves. When everything thing has been timed just right, and I wait for the day I can use a home pregnancy test, my heart is full of hope. It's a desperate hope, but hope none the less, and it grows and grows. The so called Two Week Wait (or for me, ten days because that's just how my uterus rolls) is a time of heart-swelling, please-oh-please wanting. Inevitably though, my period shows up, and those first days are dark and yes, full of negativity. The fall from that high of hope is a long one when I realize that it was all for naught. It leaves me feeling broken and sometimes it takes me a day or two to put myself back together.

So, Blog, I hope you don't mind but for the next little while you and I aren't going to bother too much with the outside world. We're not going to discuss all the foibles and ridiculousness of people at large. Instead, you and I are going to concentrate on what it's like to be struggling with infertility. We're going to reflect on loss and on what it takes to move beyond it. We're going to open up a dialogue with anyone who cares to join about how to navigate this constant ebb and flow of hope, fear, and longing.

Maybe, if I'm really lucky, you'll be just the ticket to helping me get to the other side. Maybe, dear little Blog, using you as a vehicle for sharing this burden will leave me feeling lighter and will help me get to where I want to be. Maybe we'll help some other people along the way, too. Wouldn't that be great, Blog? To know we helped someone else feel not quite so alone? I'm willing to give it a try.

The (Not Quite So) Happy Ranter

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