It's Funny Because It's True...

It's possible that I've been giving the impression that infertility (IF) is all doom and gloom, tears and rages, and hysterical sobbing on floors. While it is difficult, a lot of us Infertiles have gotten pretty good at finding the humour in our situations as well. It's a dark humour, much like laughing at funerals, but I think it's an important survival tool. I know a number of women who would definitely see the funny in the following cartoon from the good folks at Married to the Sea Enjoy!:

Social(ly Inept) Butterfly...

I had a friend stay with me this past weekend and we were discussing social circles, friends lists, and meeting new people. Having recently moved to a new city, I've had a few people suggest to me ways in which I might meet new people and I've had more than one person offer to 'set me up' with some social contacts. I know that the people making these suggestions have my best interests at heart and I'm sure that the friends of my friends are all lovely people. However...

I honestly have no interest in meeting anyone new. I have little interest in 'getting out there' and the idea of having to forge a new friendship exhausts me. I'm sure that some people will think that I'm weird or depressed or afraid. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and who am I to try and change the way they think?

My reasons for wanting to keep the status quo and not add to my little circle of friends are quite simple. I'm protecting myself and choosing to only have people in my life who make me feel comfortable and supported. I only want the people who get me in my life right now. At some point I'm sure this will change and I'll be open to new friendships but that time is not now.

You may have guessed that this relates back to the struggles the Boy and I are having in starting our family. Yup, we're back to infertility - aren't you sick of it? Don't you think I'm being dramatic? Don't you think I should just GET OVER IT? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you should probably just stop reading my blog because that's not going to happen until I'm typing one handed while trying to feed a baby. Bye! And thanks for reading.

Those of you that are still with me, let me explain. I'm glad to be here in this new city where hardly anyone knows me. I'm glad that it's just me and the Boy. I need this time and I think he and I as a couple need this time. As I said earlier, I'm sure my friends only want to introduce me to all the best people they know and I'm sure that there are many, many great people in this fair city. The problem lies in meeting people my own age because you know what? A lot of people my age are having or have had babies. I don't need to meet any more of these people. I know quite enough people already who are having or have had babies. I love these people and I love their children and their soon-to-be children and even though I love them it still pains me that I'm not like them. So, no, I don't need to add any parents or future parents to my list of friends because I don't love them yet and it will make me crazy if I have to be happy for people I don't even know.

All of that may make me sound like a bitter, jealous person. Perhaps I am. I don't know. All I know is that I'm sad and struggling to not be. All I know is that all of the energy it takes to meet new people is energy I need to spend in trying to remain positive and cheer myself on. So, please, don't be offended if I don't jump at the chance to meet up with your cousin's sister's best friend who's a super awesome nice girl. I'm sure she is but hey, my dance card is full.

It's not entirely true that I'm not making any friends. I've actually built up quite a great circle of new friends...they're just all online and not living in my city. I met them through a fertility website. Does the fact that I've never met them face to face or talked to them on the phone lessen their importance? Not at all. They could all live on different planets and it wouldn't matter. If I'm ever having a bad day or I feel like screaming, I know I can go to our group and each and every one of them will understand. Sometimes all a person needs to feel better is to have someone else say 'Hey, I've been there.' I don't need to meet them for coffee or shopping to get this same sense of reassurance or comfort. I'd like to, but I don't need to. This might be one of the greatest contributions the internet has made to society.

I hope my 'real life' friends who are reading this don't think that I don't appreciate the shoulders they've offered to me to cry on. I'm eternally grateful to all of my friends who have been there for me in what ever way they could. Fortunately, I don't know a lot of people in real life that are struggling with infertility. Unfortunately, this can sometimes make me feel like I'm boring them with my problems. Let's face it, I'm kind of an infertility broken record right now.

In the end, what really matters to me is not whether I have 2 or 200 friends. What matters is that I have just the right friends. And I do. This is all I need. The rest of the world will still be there when I'm ready for it.

Universe 2 - Happy Ranter 0

As the title suggests, the Universe has kicked my ass for the second time. Over the past couple of weeks I've been in 'beta hell' as I've had blood test after blood test to monitor the pitiful stopping and starting of hCG in my system....again.

In August, I got my period and shortly after that, because I was feeling weird, I tested and got a positive on a home pregnancy test. Given the circumstances (being that you shouldn't get your period if you are in fact knocked up) I had a pretty good idea that this was not going to have a happy ending. That's not to say that I had no hope. Some women do bleed early in pregnancy and go on to have a healthy baby, so I held on to a small shred of 'maybe'.

A couple of blood tests soon made it apparent that I would not be one of the lucky ones. There was a small rise, followed by a fall and it was decided that my previously scheduled hysteroscopy and d&c would proceed as planned. Fortunately, that procedure was performed under general anaesthetic so as far as I was concerned, it was really just a very good nap. When I came to, the doctor told me that everything appeared normal and that some tissue had been taken for testing. He gave me a prescription for antibiotics and a requisition for yet another blood test. The Boy took me home and made sure I was comfy and well fed.

Fast forward to today. The clinic called with the results of my last blood test following my fun filled afternoon at the hospital - the numbers went up. WTF, Universe? Granted, they only went up a smidge but an increase is definitely not what I was expecting or hoping for. Since the doctor told me that the results of the biopsy indicated no evidence of a uterine pregnancy, the numbers can only mean that I have an ectopic pregnancy. Fortunately, with the numbers being so low, he expects that it will 'resolve itself'. To be on the safe side, I have to go for another (*#$%@) blood test on Monday and an ultrasound the following day. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the hCG in my system bottoms out by test time on Monday. If it doesn't, I have to look at the possibility of surgery or harsh drugs to finish the job. I'd like to avoid either of those things.

So, that's what my body is doing. Mentally and emotionally, I've parcelled everything up and am keeping it all locked away in a little tiny room. I've had a couple of moments of almost tears but I'm refusing to give in to them. Sounds healthy, no? It's just easier right now to remain detached. As I told the buddy group I belong to online, this poor little ball of cells is already being treated like the middle child - it's not getting nearly the same amount of attention as Ball of Cells #1 did.

Perhaps my sense of humour is dark but I feel fortunate that I still have the ability to laugh in the face of this. What else can I do? If I were to lay out before me all of the feelings and thoughts surrounding this experience and the previous one I would be consumed by rage and devastated by sadness. Instead I choose to stand back and not get too close to all of that. I choose to survive it and push through. I choose to not let the Universe win.

If I'm anything (besides infertile, of course! ha ha!) I'm stubborn. If it takes me another 20 years and I become a creepy granny aged woman having her first baby, I will do it. I said in my previous post that infertility is kicking my ass - well, screw that. It's my turn to kick back and I plan to do a wicked Chuck Norris style roundhouse on infertility. Be afraid, Universe. I'm coming for you.

Resistance is futile...

Dear Blog,

I have been ignoring you. Possibly avoiding you. I am The Happy Ranter, and yet, while I still find plenty to rant about in any given day, there is only one topic that I really want to rant about right now and I was afraid you might start to find me boring.

The truth is, Blog, infertility is kicking my ass. It's making me sad. It's making me angry. While more than just that is going on in my life, I still feel as though I'm living in blocks of time - the time leading up to ovulation followed by the time leading up to testing. Everything else is just what happens during either.

The Boy thinks I'm being very negative. He thinks I'm bitter. I understand why it seems that way to him, and probably others. In all honesty, I am very bitter - it's not right that this should be so hard, not just for me, but for so many others as well. It's not fair. As for being negative, that comes in waves. When everything thing has been timed just right, and I wait for the day I can use a home pregnancy test, my heart is full of hope. It's a desperate hope, but hope none the less, and it grows and grows. The so called Two Week Wait (or for me, ten days because that's just how my uterus rolls) is a time of heart-swelling, please-oh-please wanting. Inevitably though, my period shows up, and those first days are dark and yes, full of negativity. The fall from that high of hope is a long one when I realize that it was all for naught. It leaves me feeling broken and sometimes it takes me a day or two to put myself back together.

So, Blog, I hope you don't mind but for the next little while you and I aren't going to bother too much with the outside world. We're not going to discuss all the foibles and ridiculousness of people at large. Instead, you and I are going to concentrate on what it's like to be struggling with infertility. We're going to reflect on loss and on what it takes to move beyond it. We're going to open up a dialogue with anyone who cares to join about how to navigate this constant ebb and flow of hope, fear, and longing.

Maybe, if I'm really lucky, you'll be just the ticket to helping me get to the other side. Maybe, dear little Blog, using you as a vehicle for sharing this burden will leave me feeling lighter and will help me get to where I want to be. Maybe we'll help some other people along the way, too. Wouldn't that be great, Blog? To know we helped someone else feel not quite so alone? I'm willing to give it a try.

The (Not Quite So) Happy Ranter

Door Crasher...

I was sitting on the bus today waiting for the driver to get his ass in gear and get me home. Let's say the bus is the blue car in the diagram to the right. To our left on the other side of the bike lane, traffic was coming to a stop for the red light. I was busy scrolling through music on my iPod when suddenly there was a crash against the side of the bus about 6 feet in front of where I was sitting. I look up and there is a cyclist laying in the bike lane, most of his bike on top of him. Next to the bus was a white mini van with its passenger side door wide open and a very sheepish looking teenage girl climbing out.

Now, I didn't see exactly what happened but I can assume that the girl opened the door without looking, the cyclist swerved at the last second, bounced off the side of the bus and hit the ground. The man riding the bike stood up, brushed himself off and uttered what I can only imagine were some choice words in the direction of the girl and rode off.

So, accidents happen, no one got hurt and the since the bus wasn't dented, no damage to property. Where's the rant? I hear you ask. My rant is this:

The girl who caused the accident, as I said, looked sheepish and she was clearly having an 'Oh, shit' moment. However, the ENTIRE time, she not for one second lost the ridiculous smile on her face. I could see her mouthing the words 'I'm so sorry' at the cyclist, then she looked at the driver of the van (I assume her mother), then she just stood there....smiling. After the cyclist got up and rode away, she stood there for a second or two and then walked around the bus....still smiling. Now, I understand that she was probably dying of embarrassment since a street full of rush hour traffic and a bus load of people just witnessed the accident she caused. I also understand that humans are weird and sometimes we laugh when we should cry and vice versa.

What I don't get though is that she didn't even attempt to help the guy up. The bus driver managed to get out there and ask the guy if he was okay but she just stood there. Smiling. What is wrong with people? Take your head out of your ass, get over your misplaced feelings of being the centre of the universe and help the person you just caused injury to. How hard is that? It's crap like this that makes me wonder how we'll ever manage to sort out the really big problems in the world when people can't even perform simple acts of decency.

Anonymous smiling teenage girl - you should be ashamed of yourself. Despite your inability to wipe that inane smile off your face, I hope you learned your lesson.

I'm sensing a theme here...

Feet. More specifically, photos of feet, much like this one of my feet taken on a beach on the way to Port Arthur, Tasmania. The water was surprisingly cold. I should tell you all about that little trip the Boy and I took to Tasmania, but that's a story for another time.

Back to the feet. Lately, it seems like every blog I visit - and I visit so many wonderful blogs, I really should start making a list - there is a photo of the blogger's feet. Some are in shoes, some just in socks, others are bare but the line of the shot is almost always the same. It's not really unusual but I found it funny that I kept coming across photos like this.

There are changes *afoot in my life at the moment. My feet are once again itchy. This started awhile ago but the plans to scratch the itch were drawn out, future plans. Now the scratching has begun. The first phase of the plan is in motion and in a matter of weeks, I will no longer be calling the island home.

I am excited about what is to come, and maybe also a wee bit petrified. Mostly excited though. I feel like I've been asleep for a really long time and now I'm just starting to wake up. I feel an energy creeping back into my bones and a sense of possibility that has been missing. It feels good.

There will be more to come on this topic but before I really spill all of the beans, there are a few people I need to tell face to face. Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed that I find a lot of boxes in the next couple of weeks.

*sorry, I couldn't resist.

Culling my 'friends' list...

At some point, hopefully in the near future, I will be moving to Vancouver. To prepare for this I started piling up all of the things I don't want or need anymore with a view to donating them or just throwing them out. Lately, I've also been making small changes in my lifestyle to a) boost my self esteem and b) get me healthier. This means less junk food and less sitting on my ass.

Maybe this has gotten me on a purging roll of some sort but I don't feel like it's going to stop with household goods and potato chips. I've been looking at my friends list on that book of faces recently and the cursor has been hovering over 'delete' on more than one of them. For those of you with hundreds of 'friends' on your lists, this might not sound like a big deal but I've only got 40. There are some friends of friends that can go and I don't really have any qualms about that. It's the ones that are in a closer circle to me that are causing me the issue. As I'm writing this I'm thinking 'This is stupid. Just delete them!' and I probably should. I mean, before I even had a profile on the site, I didn't have daily contact with these people and that never bothered me. Why all of sudden because I can see what game they're playing or what they're having for dinner tonight, do I feel like I should care? Geez, I think I've just made up my own mind - thanks for letting me ramble. The delete button and I are going to get up close and personal tonight.

In a similar but more complicated vein, I also have a friend in real life (remember that? REAL life?) whom I'm no longer as close to as I once was. Obviously, this happens to everyone as we grow up, move away, start families, etc. Lately though, even the occasional bit of contact I have with this friend is proving stressful and more than I really want to deal with. I don't wish her any ill will. I just have enough on my mind and going on in my life that I need to deal with and to be honest, the times I do hear from her just bring me down. There isn't any 'delete' button for this situation. I'm not really sure how to go about it. I've tried to extricate myself from the relationship by not initiating contact but that doesn't seem to have worked and really, it doesn't seem very fair. I should let her know. What can I say? If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I've got the apartment to myself tonight and there aren't any good movies on anyway, so I guess I'll sit down and try to write out what I want to say and then edit it to what I should say. I'll let you know how I go.

Being an adult blows. Can't I be six again?