Resistance is futile...

Dear Blog,

I have been ignoring you. Possibly avoiding you. I am The Happy Ranter, and yet, while I still find plenty to rant about in any given day, there is only one topic that I really want to rant about right now and I was afraid you might start to find me boring.

The truth is, Blog, infertility is kicking my ass. It's making me sad. It's making me angry. While more than just that is going on in my life, I still feel as though I'm living in blocks of time - the time leading up to ovulation followed by the time leading up to testing. Everything else is just what happens during either.

The Boy thinks I'm being very negative. He thinks I'm bitter. I understand why it seems that way to him, and probably others. In all honesty, I am very bitter - it's not right that this should be so hard, not just for me, but for so many others as well. It's not fair. As for being negative, that comes in waves. When everything thing has been timed just right, and I wait for the day I can use a home pregnancy test, my heart is full of hope. It's a desperate hope, but hope none the less, and it grows and grows. The so called Two Week Wait (or for me, ten days because that's just how my uterus rolls) is a time of heart-swelling, please-oh-please wanting. Inevitably though, my period shows up, and those first days are dark and yes, full of negativity. The fall from that high of hope is a long one when I realize that it was all for naught. It leaves me feeling broken and sometimes it takes me a day or two to put myself back together.

So, Blog, I hope you don't mind but for the next little while you and I aren't going to bother too much with the outside world. We're not going to discuss all the foibles and ridiculousness of people at large. Instead, you and I are going to concentrate on what it's like to be struggling with infertility. We're going to reflect on loss and on what it takes to move beyond it. We're going to open up a dialogue with anyone who cares to join about how to navigate this constant ebb and flow of hope, fear, and longing.

Maybe, if I'm really lucky, you'll be just the ticket to helping me get to the other side. Maybe, dear little Blog, using you as a vehicle for sharing this burden will leave me feeling lighter and will help me get to where I want to be. Maybe we'll help some other people along the way, too. Wouldn't that be great, Blog? To know we helped someone else feel not quite so alone? I'm willing to give it a try.

The (Not Quite So) Happy Ranter

Door Crasher...

I was sitting on the bus today waiting for the driver to get his ass in gear and get me home. Let's say the bus is the blue car in the diagram to the right. To our left on the other side of the bike lane, traffic was coming to a stop for the red light. I was busy scrolling through music on my iPod when suddenly there was a crash against the side of the bus about 6 feet in front of where I was sitting. I look up and there is a cyclist laying in the bike lane, most of his bike on top of him. Next to the bus was a white mini van with its passenger side door wide open and a very sheepish looking teenage girl climbing out.

Now, I didn't see exactly what happened but I can assume that the girl opened the door without looking, the cyclist swerved at the last second, bounced off the side of the bus and hit the ground. The man riding the bike stood up, brushed himself off and uttered what I can only imagine were some choice words in the direction of the girl and rode off.

So, accidents happen, no one got hurt and the since the bus wasn't dented, no damage to property. Where's the rant? I hear you ask. My rant is this:

The girl who caused the accident, as I said, looked sheepish and she was clearly having an 'Oh, shit' moment. However, the ENTIRE time, she not for one second lost the ridiculous smile on her face. I could see her mouthing the words 'I'm so sorry' at the cyclist, then she looked at the driver of the van (I assume her mother), then she just stood there....smiling. After the cyclist got up and rode away, she stood there for a second or two and then walked around the bus....still smiling. Now, I understand that she was probably dying of embarrassment since a street full of rush hour traffic and a bus load of people just witnessed the accident she caused. I also understand that humans are weird and sometimes we laugh when we should cry and vice versa.

What I don't get though is that she didn't even attempt to help the guy up. The bus driver managed to get out there and ask the guy if he was okay but she just stood there. Smiling. What is wrong with people? Take your head out of your ass, get over your misplaced feelings of being the centre of the universe and help the person you just caused injury to. How hard is that? It's crap like this that makes me wonder how we'll ever manage to sort out the really big problems in the world when people can't even perform simple acts of decency.

Anonymous smiling teenage girl - you should be ashamed of yourself. Despite your inability to wipe that inane smile off your face, I hope you learned your lesson.

I'm sensing a theme here...

Feet. More specifically, photos of feet, much like this one of my feet taken on a beach on the way to Port Arthur, Tasmania. The water was surprisingly cold. I should tell you all about that little trip the Boy and I took to Tasmania, but that's a story for another time.

Back to the feet. Lately, it seems like every blog I visit - and I visit so many wonderful blogs, I really should start making a list - there is a photo of the blogger's feet. Some are in shoes, some just in socks, others are bare but the line of the shot is almost always the same. It's not really unusual but I found it funny that I kept coming across photos like this.

There are changes *afoot in my life at the moment. My feet are once again itchy. This started awhile ago but the plans to scratch the itch were drawn out, future plans. Now the scratching has begun. The first phase of the plan is in motion and in a matter of weeks, I will no longer be calling the island home.

I am excited about what is to come, and maybe also a wee bit petrified. Mostly excited though. I feel like I've been asleep for a really long time and now I'm just starting to wake up. I feel an energy creeping back into my bones and a sense of possibility that has been missing. It feels good.

There will be more to come on this topic but before I really spill all of the beans, there are a few people I need to tell face to face. Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed that I find a lot of boxes in the next couple of weeks.

*sorry, I couldn't resist.

Culling my 'friends' list...

At some point, hopefully in the near future, I will be moving to Vancouver. To prepare for this I started piling up all of the things I don't want or need anymore with a view to donating them or just throwing them out. Lately, I've also been making small changes in my lifestyle to a) boost my self esteem and b) get me healthier. This means less junk food and less sitting on my ass.

Maybe this has gotten me on a purging roll of some sort but I don't feel like it's going to stop with household goods and potato chips. I've been looking at my friends list on that book of faces recently and the cursor has been hovering over 'delete' on more than one of them. For those of you with hundreds of 'friends' on your lists, this might not sound like a big deal but I've only got 40. There are some friends of friends that can go and I don't really have any qualms about that. It's the ones that are in a closer circle to me that are causing me the issue. As I'm writing this I'm thinking 'This is stupid. Just delete them!' and I probably should. I mean, before I even had a profile on the site, I didn't have daily contact with these people and that never bothered me. Why all of sudden because I can see what game they're playing or what they're having for dinner tonight, do I feel like I should care? Geez, I think I've just made up my own mind - thanks for letting me ramble. The delete button and I are going to get up close and personal tonight.

In a similar but more complicated vein, I also have a friend in real life (remember that? REAL life?) whom I'm no longer as close to as I once was. Obviously, this happens to everyone as we grow up, move away, start families, etc. Lately though, even the occasional bit of contact I have with this friend is proving stressful and more than I really want to deal with. I don't wish her any ill will. I just have enough on my mind and going on in my life that I need to deal with and to be honest, the times I do hear from her just bring me down. There isn't any 'delete' button for this situation. I'm not really sure how to go about it. I've tried to extricate myself from the relationship by not initiating contact but that doesn't seem to have worked and really, it doesn't seem very fair. I should let her know. What can I say? If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I've got the apartment to myself tonight and there aren't any good movies on anyway, so I guess I'll sit down and try to write out what I want to say and then edit it to what I should say. I'll let you know how I go.

Being an adult blows. Can't I be six again?

Happy Birthday to Me!

It's been a good weekend - a good start to another year in the life of the Happy Ranter. Last night was family dinner which was delish (and I was sent home with the rest of the cheesecake!). Afterwards, I met up with CC at the local pub and knocked back a couple of beers. Sadly, by 'a couple' I literally mean 'two'. Geez, I'm old. Oh, but there was also one shot - CC wasn't about to let me get away without one.

Today I went to watch some very lively African dancing put on by MoonDance. CC was taking part in a couple of dances so I was more than happy to be there to check out her new moves. I was very proud of my friend for having the guts to get up and dance. The music was energetic and joyful and afterward I walked home with a bounce in my step. If I wasn't so unco, I'd probably consider taking a class or two myself.

The rest of my day was spent doing laundry, grocery shopping and procuring myself some dinner from the Thai restaurant down the street. Maybe not the most exciting birthday ever but it's the end of the day and I'm feeling happy and relaxed. Who can ask for more than that?



In other recent news, I recently took part in a walk for Infertility Awareness. Little did I know when I first heard about the walk that it was actually a group taking part in the Victoria Day Parade. CC was game to come along (even after I told her about the parade part - what a friend!) and we had the honour of being the banner bearers at the front of our group. It was a fun day, we had great weather and it was an interesting way to see the city - walking up the middle of the main street. We got a lot of cheers as we went along and one couple held up their baby and pointed vigorously at him - clearly a success story of fertility treatments. Seeing that got me a little teary eyed because it truly is an amazing, wonderful thing that there are so many options for a couple to get help to have a baby. To see people so obviously thrilled with their little one and proud of what they went through -what they survived - is uplifting.

As for myself and infertility - I've officially reached the age where I now belong to the category of 'Advanced Maternal Age'. That's a horrible trio of words to be strung together. It sounds as though we're all grannies trying to have babies. I don't consider myself 'old' but as far as making babies is concerned I am apparently no spring chicken! My doctor has yet to specifically mention my age as being an issue, or tell me that I have old eggs, so until that happens I'm not going to worry to much about the AMA tag.

I still find myself occasionally having moments of sadness over the miscarriage, sometimes I still cry. It is getting easier though. What really helps is taking part in increasing awareness of infertility and the struggles people have. The walk, this blog, talking about it to anyone who wants to listen - it makes me feel better to think that I might be helping others, even if only in small ways.

Even more important to me is the support I've gotten from all of the wonderful people in my life - my family and my friends. I know that those closest to me have shared my pain, some have even shed a tear or two. Without that, I might still be feeling as though I was unable to function and I am so grateful that I have such people in my life who shared that burden. It made my pain seem less because they took a piece of it from me and lightened my heart that little bit. I know that when The Boy and I are eventually successful in starting our family - no matter what road we have to take to make that happen - all of these same people will share our happiness and the celebration will seem that much brighter.

To all of you that have been there for us, thank you. It means more to me than I can say.

Sad Ranter

It’s been awhile since I last posted anything. To be honest, it’s been awhile since I even looked at or thought about my blog. My brain has been otherwise occupied.

If you’ve read previous posts then you’ll know all about my TTC (trying to conceive) woes. I thought it was as bad as it could get but Life decided to bitch-slap me. At the beginning of February I got the one thing I’ve been wanting for so long - a positive on a home pregnancy test. Because I’d been having some spotting, my doctor sent me for repeat blood tests to monitor my hormone (hCG) levels. The two weeks following that first test were torture as my levels went slowly up (far more slowly than they should have) and then as they started to fall. Another week later and it was all over. The physical pain when I actually miscarried was so much worse than any of my usual cramps. At least that pain was over in a day - the pain in my heart just won’t quit.

I thought I was doing alright through the month of March. Obviously, those first few days were hard and I shed a lot of tears but apart from a few moments of anxiety and blinding rage, I thought I was holding myself together pretty well and moving past it all.

Last week I came to the realization that that just isn’t true. Lately, I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for any length of time. I find myself staring off into space and feel like I’ve been losing chunks of time. I alternate between fighting to hold back tears and fighting to keep myself from screaming at people. I’ve been losing both of these fights with greater frequency.

The first week in April would have been the 12 week mark had the pregnancy continued. That’s when the Boy and I would have started sharing the news. It doesn’t take a genius to put that together with my increasing difficulties and come to an obvious conclusion. I like to think of myself as being a pretty strong person but this is crushing me.

I know all of the rational things I should be telling myself and that others, including my doctor, have told me. Things like ‘At least now you know you can get pregnant’, ‘At least you weren’t further along’ and ‘There was probably something wrong and your body just knew what to do’. Believe me, I am glad to know that I can get pregnant and I’m grateful it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy. All of those things, while true, aren’t a magic balm that soothes the pain.

I’ve been talking with a counsellor and doing my own reading - the word ‘grief’ has been coming up a lot. I found an article online (which I can’t find again since I came across it randomly in the first place) that talked about the grief that follows a miscarriage. It’s different from grieving for someone who’s died because you don’t have the memories of the person to bring you comfort. Instead, you’re grieving for all the hopes you had, for the future you imagined that’s now slipped from your fingers. It’s hard for me to even understand my own sadness. How I can I miss so much someone I never even had the chance to meet?

One of the issues I’m struggling with is the feeling of failure. My own body has betrayed me. Worse, it’s betrayed my husband. The initial reaction to the positive pregnancy test was stunned excitement. I can deal with my own disappointment but how do I deal with his? Telling my parents about my loss wasn’t any easier. Everyone has been completely supportive but I still feel like I’ve let them all down.

Bigger than the sense of failure is my anger. I’m so ANGRY that this has happened. I want to know why but there is no answer to that question. There is no physical problem that can be pointed at and named as the culprit. It’s just ‘one of those things’. Would I feel better if the doctor was able to say ‘Well, X is the reason you miscarried’? I don’t know. I guess I would at least feel like if there’s a known problem, there might be a known solution or things to try.

There isn’t though. There isn’t a single concrete reason that anyone can give me. All I’m left with is trying to work through it. How I’m supposed to do that, I’m not quite sure. I can talk about it, write about it, think about it until the end of time and it won’t change.

Time is supposed to be the great healer, and I know that it is. I know that eventually this won’t hurt as much as it does. I wish I knew when that time would be. I wish I could see that point on the horizon when I won’t feel like screaming and when I won’t randomly burst into tears for no apparent reason.

I know I’ll get there eventually. I’m fortunate that I’ve been able to take this week off of work. Having the luxury of not having to use my brain for a good solid length of time has been good for me. There are also some life changes being set in motion and I think that will be good for me too.

*disclaimer* I hope I haven’t made it sound like I’m a complete mess all the time. Most of my turmoil has been going on inside. There has only been the occasional meltdown or outburst of expletives. Really, what else is new?

Seriously.

I haven't quite fallen off the face of the earth. Close but I've still got at least one finger hanging on for dear life.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I have an epic post coming up.

Seriously.